Today is, was, would have been our 47 th wedding anniversary. I can’t even figure out how to say it. Is it still? Even without Mike is it still mine? Then is it still 47 or do I need to subtract out the three and a half years since his death. Everything is complicated like that. And he is not here to talk about these great questions with. He’s not here when I rolled over this morning and wanted to wish him a Happy Anniversary. He’s not here to bring flowers or sit across the table at dinner and see in his eyes as he sees in mine almost 50 years of history together. It feels disloyal to think about anyone else today. It feels so sad to have an anniversary alone. 

The surprise that my recent experience with online dating has taught me…

I’m 69 years young, widowed for almost 4 years, with great grown up kids who live out of town with their spouses and children. They lead good busy lives with sports, community service, school and jobs. All the things you want for your kids. I try to see them once a month or two at the most. I think my relationship with them is meaningful and special. You would have to ask them how they feel it is to get a real assessment of how relationships go. I know that. They live up and down the east coast from Boston to Raleigh. Cell phones help, regular text messages, FaceTime calls are all great. But seeing them is a planned event, no spontaneity here.
I have great friends, mostly couples most who I’ve known for over 40 years. They have been great before , during and after my husband’s death. I consider myself so lucky in so many ways and yet so profoundly lonely.
So after a 44 year marriage and almost 4 years of widowhood, this woman decided to try online dating and after two months I’d like to share some of what I’ve learned so far. Some of it is what you might expect, some of it is pretty funny or at least I’m trying hard to see it is as funny. Because if you don’t laugh you could really cry. I’ll share those stories going forward if you stay along for the ride. But today’s post, my first, isn’t funny . Oddly, it’s patriotic. How appropriate for Memorial Day!
If you think about it, and I didn’t, I’m 69 . Who else would be in my age range 65-72? What was going on when both of us were 18, the Vietnam War! Where were we, me and the men I’m meeting online?
Well, I can only speak for myself. I was a college coed who left for school with a trunkful of matching skirts and sweaters that I never wore as I burned my bra, resorted to t shirts and jeans and become an activist for civil rights and anti Vietnam.
I walked that fine line daily of nice Jewish girl, student government, community service, save the world, get good grades, held down 3 part time jobs to pay for school-far from spoiled, independent, hard working, passionate about the causes I cared about and the men I dated. Ok, I may be a bit of an over achiever but when you are paying for this experience yourself, you don’t want to waste a single minute. When you live life like that, you don’t ever want to stop because each day is filled with nice people and nice experiences. So you live life packing it all in and then you discover why. Life is not always filled with all the tomorrows you thought you’d have. And then you find yourself on line dating at 69.
So this Memorial Day I offer a sincere thank you for your service-a salute to the gentlemen I’ve met online so far. To the guy with the permanent gun powder burns on his face who only wants to flirt, thank you. Thank you for giving up your hearing for me and my kids. Thank you for the marriage that you tried and failed to make work when you returned. Thank you for the work you do for Vets, the flags you plant at cemeteries, the scholarships you give to kids of vets and thank you for helping me remember my patriotism.
To the guy with the cute white beard that covers his shrapnel scars, thank you. Thank you for the songs you sing, it’s remarkable that you can sing at all. Thank you for your Purple Heart and for the men you saved. Thank you for surviving the Tet Offensive. Thank you for the full life you have lived so far despite what you have seen. Thank you for the children you have raised and the wife you have loved and lost. Thank you for still being here so I could meet you .
Thank you to the guy who is a few years younger whose Naval service has taken him around the world and back and whose professional life has taken him back to war torn Afghanistan and home again.
Thank you to these gentlemen and to my high school sweetheart who went to Vietnam and returned home in a casket. Thank you to these men and more, who as my WW2 vet Dad used to tell me were out there defending my right to protest.
So that’s why on this Memorial Day, I’ll light a candle in memory of who this country has lost over the years and what these men have given to survive. I’m glad my narrow world view bubble has been popped..I’m making new friends, online and in person . Don’t judge til you’ve walked in my shoes or theirs. Kiss your husband or your wife and be glad they are here. Join me on this journey. You can chaperone from the back seat.